Juliana - A Primer
So. I wrote another album.
When I finished RUSH! I felt like I poured a lot of my soul into that project. But I’m constantly writing, so not long after that I ended up writing the collection of songs that became the socialite EP. And once that was recorded and released, I felt like that EP marked the end of something for me.
Namely, I wanted to stop writing about my own life and experiences. Literally.
In my lowest moments, growing up, I indulged in these long, elaborate daydreams to occupy my busy mind. Sometimes, I would write them down, but more often they were secret fantasies about my life. When I worked in a restaurant during the holiday season in high school, I would imagine a parallel me who never worked and spent all her free time at parties. In college, this Parallel Sarah went to a prestigious university and became lead editor at her school’s literary journal. And when I graduated college and moved to Boston, this Parallel Sarah was not lonely— she had dozens of friends, traveled the world, broke hearts.
Now, my life is pretty good. I have done almost everything I ever had the opportunity to try. But I’ve never been able to do whatever I want. During these elaborate daydreaming sessions, Parallel Sarah was an ego-check. As if I was saying to myself, “the life you have will never compare to the life you want.”
But now I’m in therapy. And my therapist called this phenomenon “maladaptive daydreaming.” And the concept began to take root in my mind.
Beth (our protagonist) is a retail worker, putting in extra hours during the holiday season. She works all day, and at night she struggles with insomnia. To pass the time, she dreams up this elaborate life for a woman— someone young, beautiful, talented, charismatic. Beth begins with Juliana’s move to a big city, optimistic about her career.
But here’s the thing: Beth has a creative mind that can dream up these elaborate scenarios. Juliana is not creative; she has all these connections and opportunities, but she becomes more self-conscious the longer she goes without making something “genius.” She meets other writers who clearly have unreasonable expectations of their own work and immediately recognizes herself in them. They’re flakey, they’ve written nothing, but they aren’t practical about the actual writing part. Juliana learns that she’s not practical either, and she develops a melancholic insecurity about her own abilities.
Beth, meanwhile, has created this scenario. What gives? Perhaps part of it is that Beth has created someone she can project her own terrors upon— wanting greatness, but not being able to achieve it. Perhaps it’s Beth’s way of making up someone to sic her vindictive envy upon. Maybe she doesn’t even realize that she’s made her ideal self’s life miserable, because she feels miserable herself. Throughout the album, Beth is our emotional avatar, who uses Juliana’s life to comfort her.
Juliana became this altar at which I began placing a lot of my artistic desires. I watched a lot of movies and YouTube videos starring or about it-girls. I read a lot of memoirs about them. I’d never done research like this for a songwriting project before. I began writing Juliana as early as January 2023, and now 17 tracks later I have written my little masterpiece.
Now, if I was a professional entertainer or a musician, this album would tank my career. I feel really grateful to have the room to make my little vanity projects, to fulfill a longstanding artistic dream of mine. If I am Juliana’s only fan, so be it. But if you’re listening, you’re my new best friend, no take backsies.
